Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Randomize
