she woke up with a sticky ear
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
