Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
