why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
