i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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