took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
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Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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