I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
