He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
