scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
