dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
