You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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