Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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