Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
