JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
He uses pillows to masturbate.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
