I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
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Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
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You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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