You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
It's rum buckets o'clock
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
