guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
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I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
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He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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