im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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