You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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