Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
