I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Randomize
