He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
