I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
