Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
"it" just moved
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
