I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
