literally had 100 drinks last night.
smell my finger.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
