that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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