Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
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In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
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Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
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