Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
