I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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