Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
My ass is underappreciated
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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