soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
You need a sexual gate keeper
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
