Even the bartender felt bad for me
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
how drunk are you?
Several
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
