just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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