i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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