The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
