i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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