so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
