someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
