I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Floor bacon is actually really good
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
