I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
