I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
