Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
You smell like a Billy Joel song
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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