Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Randomize
