took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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