did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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