i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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