i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
