I have demons in me.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
