those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
