i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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