TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
