I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
