So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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